Within You
by Ensign L. Kim
Summary: How hard is it to know the pain of loving another while you know it's right but knowing everyone else will not approve. You can not always help the concequences. This fic is inspired by Within You by David Bowie. It's also dedicated to my boyfriend, Sarge
1. Within You

A/N: This is also a solo fiction by Ensign. I got the inspiration for this fiction from a song by David Bowie called Within You. Please, read and review!!! Thanks a lot. Lol. BTW, I don't own any HP characters or Alan Rickman tear, well…. To the reading!!! Anything in italics are the lyrics for the song as they fit in.

Severus stormed back to Slytherin pulling the doors shut making as much noise as possible. He stomped his way to his bedroom, 'At least being head boy has some perks' he thought angrily while burying his head in his potions book.

As he opened the book note fell out. It fluttered slowly to the ground. Severus was considering it thoughtfully. 'Probably Potter or Black, screwing me some more.' He thought, however the handwriting caught his eye.

'It's round, soft… way to pretty to be theirs.' He considered picking it up. 'Fuck it. How bad can it be? It's only a piece of paper!' Reading it carefully, he sat once again on the black and green bed spread.

Severus,

Hey. Em, we need to talk. Meet me below the clock tower. 8 sharp. Don't be late.

Lily

He glanced at his watch, quarter to 8. Was it a joke? 'A cruel prank from the Gryffindor gang?' he mused, 'Perhaps she needs help with potions?'

Whatever answers Severus found in the depths of his mind, he was pulling his cloak on and hurrying to the clock tower. Glancing around furtively he say someone by the entrance to the tower.

The figure emerged from the shadows, proving to be Lily. She gently called his name.

"Severus?" she sighed in relief and flung herself at him for a hug. He side stepped the embrace.

"What do you want?" he growled, a little harsher than he intended, "If you need help in potions it won't happen. I don't have time; I'm too busy as…."

She cut him off, "That's not what I want!" Severus looked disgustedly at her then looked around quickly again. "Where are they then?" he sneered.

"Who?" Lily looked surprised.

"Potter, Black, Lupin. Well?" he demanded, trying to look at her menacingly, but failing, he couldn't treat her unfairly.

Lily laughed. 'God, I love how her nose wrinkles when she laughs.' He thought.

"I asked you to meet me, I'm glad you did, because I wanted to ask you out. Severus would you like to go to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow?"

Severus was surprised; he tried to hide it but failed miserably. "I…. Em… Why? He shook his head slowly. Unable to comprehend the offer.

"Because I like you!!" she replied and began to laugh.

Severus bit his lip; taking a deep breath he nodded agreement. "I'll meet you in front of the Shrieking Shack at noon." She leaned over and kissed his cheek lightly, leaving quickly.

Severus stood there in shock 'She likes me. Somebody likes me.' He thought. Watching her leave he put his hand on his cheek, 'she kissed me.' He sighed and walked back to his quarters.

Homework forgotten, he flopped onto his bed. Wow. He got up quickly and rummaged through his wardrobe. Finding something presentable he laid it out carefully. Tomorrow would be… Perfect.

He awoke the next morning with a jump. He glanced at his watch. Ten to twelve. 'Fuck!' he thought and jumped into his clothes. He grabbed his broom out of the closet and flew to the front of the Shrieking Shack.

'Five minutes late, not too bad' he thought. There was no sign of Lily. He waited. And waited. An hour passed and there was no sign of her. He glanced into the window of the pub; there she was with Potter, Black and Lupin. Drinking butter beer.

He hung his head, but then held it up again. He stared at her hard. Willing her to look at him. It worked. She did. She saw him and looked away again quickly.

_How you turn my world, you precious thing_


	2. Does Not Contain Real Heart

Author's Note: Right, I am asking for review's please, not begging (yet). I would much appreciate the feed back on how this is going. Much love to the Snape lover's out there. We need help for this lost forgotten soul that needs love like everyone else. I torture him in fic's, but love him really. Oh yeah, disclaimer stuff: blah blah blah, don't own squat or any hp character's, blah blah blah, might own Alan Rickman in my basement, blah blah blah, what do you mean I don't have a basement?, blah blah blah just fecking read it!

He saw the 'gang' sitting with her. Sighing he shifted his gaze to the only sweet shop in the town.

'I think I'll buy her a gift. It's our first outing-date-thingy, it seems appropriate. Wait, I''ll let her decide what it is. No embarrassment then.'

Strolling slowly toward the shop he browsed the shelves nonchalantly until he found what he was looking for.

Pulling a box of pink chocolates off the shelf, he studied the back,

'Perfect hearts for your perfect sweet heart.' it read. ' Does not contain real hearts.'

He chuckled slightly, 'Some wizards are just so. . . dim. Good to know though.'

"Hey sonny!" the witch leaning her chest on the counter called to him. "Are you gonna buy those, or giggle at them?"

Slightly embarrassed at the comment he rushed over and slapped the money on the counter before scrambling out of the dingy establishment.

He slipped the box into his bag that was slung over his shoulder. 'Perhaps she's ready now?'

He strolled toward the appointed meeting place. Looking at the ground he was trying to decide the best way to great the radiant. . . woman that would be meeting him. 'Hi. No. Heya. No. Hello. No. Lily. No. Hello's good. No way to formal. Hi. Hi's it.. I'll just say hi.'

He was rudely interrupted in the middle of his thoughts, a hand roughly pushing him. Losing his balance he fell to the floor, the contents of his satchel scattering to grace the muddy ground.

Looking up he saw the three of _them_ looming over him.

"Hey look fella's!" Lupin called, "Are these for me?" he made kissy faces as he picked up the box of chocolates.

"Back off. I'm not looking for trouble. I just have a. . . a. . . a date if you must know!"

"Oooooohhhh! Snivelous Snape has a girlfriend!" Black Taunted him, "Or perhaps a boyfriend is it?"

Severous started grabbing the things from the ground before it got too muddy. He began trying to snatch the chocolates from the two bullies. "You know very well I'm straight." he snarled.

"Do we really, Mr. Never-Been-Kissed?" they chuckled.

James and Lily appeared. James' arm wrapped around Lily's thin womanly waist. She poked him hard in the ribs when she saw what was happening.

A soft look graced her snow white face when she glimpsed the chocolates.

"Lads." James growled "Leave him alone!" They sighed and returned the chocolates.

He placed them in the bag. James pulled Lily close and kissed her lips.

Severus closed his eyes to calm himself. All he was met with was the image of her soft, rose petal lips caressing his own. Her hands mingled with his long black hair, pulling him closer in to kiss.

"Thanks" he mumbled as he skulked away, after thinking better of it, he turned to face the four of them, "You know, I did have a girl waiting. I could tell you who she is,"

He caught a pleading look from Lily coming his way, "But I'm too much of a gentleman to kiss and tell."

The three gryffindor's sniggered.

Severus began to walk away, his head held high, but his heart sinking low. Feeling drained, he trudged back to home. To the solace of no one. 'There will never be anyone'

He threw the box into the grass and kept going.

_You starve and near exhaust me_

Author's Note: Again the song lyrics are in italics and I don't own the song. Prop's to David Bowie.

- REVIEW! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! REVIEW!!!! - Okay, that was me begging.


	3. Tasting Blood

Author's Note: I posted the fic this morning and got so many hits, like omfg. I've totally by passed my writers block. YAY!!! Now down to the reviews, someone PLEASE REVIEW!!! I shall finish Breaking the Habit after this fic so please review me, even if it's a flame. Bad criticism is better than none at all.

The days faded from one to another. Everything a boring blur.

'Giving out to first years, homework, class work, studying, eating (barely), sleeping. Oh what a life.'

He could've gone to the top of the tallest tower. He could've gotten in the bath and never got out. He could've done so many things to end it all but he didn't.

He was clinging to the hope that maybe, just maybe, he would be loved. By someone. Just even the tiniest glimmer of affection would do.

But it was a long time coming. 'Please, someone, please. Just listen to me. For me to hold. Be with me.'

One day, the week after the incident with Lily, while trudging through his room, a note fluttered out of a fold in his robe.

He noticed the delicate loops peeking out of the folds. 'Her.' He snorted. 'Perhaps I should just burn it.' He blinked at it.

Something nagged him, a voice he rarely heard, to read it. To forgive.

Picking up the note he opened it. Slowly reading the words. Savoring the scent of the perfume that lingered on the paper. Begging the gods to bring the person that wears it to come to him.

Severus,

Please, I must meet with you. I am. . . No.

I will be in the same place at the same time.

If you will come. I understand if not.

J.

'I won't. No. I will not suffer again .She deserves not even a nod.'

Still he found himself dragging himself into his robe, and heading to the spot. While walking through the garden, a hand pulled him into the bushes.

"I find this highly inappro-" he began.

Cut short by lips that were warm and wet pressing into his. She pulled away.

"Lily I can't imagine why you wanted me here. Why You just. . . Did that."

She smirked, "You didn't enjoy it?" she looked so innocent.

"Please girl."

"I'll just leave then. There's no point."

"Look, Lily, just tell me. What? What do you want? If you were trying to hurt me, it's done."

"No. Severus. NO!" she grabbed his arm. "No. That's not it."

"Explain." he demanded. His stance softening. He couldn't stay annoyed. He just wanted to taste those blood red lips again.

"It's over."

"Over? What's 'over'?" he questioned.

"Me and James. We're over. I finally told him. There's someone else."

"Someone else? Huh? What am I? The in-between?"

"No Severus, no. Please." she pleaded with him again. "It's you. You're the one. The other person."

She leaned in and kissed him again. This time her lips were salty. He placed both his hands on either side of her face and wiped away the tears.

"Lily, I'm so sorry. I never meant to be so. . ."

She kissed him again. "It was my fault. Would you like to. . .go out with me." She looked up in his eyes intently. Searching. Waiting.

"I don't know. Lily, I'm not sure."

"We'll keep this between us for a while. Gradually make it more. . . Public."

"Alright. We may try at least I suppose. Lily, I must ask you, please, be truthful. Did they put you up to this. If they did. Just walk away, I will forget this and we'll leave anything that may have happened."

"Never. I could never, ever, do that to anyone. I promise you, that I am being truthful, with all my heart."

"Come with me. Walk with me." Severus requested.

"I must return to the dorm, but I shall owl you after. I promise." she squeezed his hand gently.

"Lily," she turned back toward him, "kiss me." please he begged silently. Even if this was a joke it would mean everything for one last intimate gesture.

She smiled a sweet sweet smile and kissed him. Her beautiful soft tongue pushing against his lips, begging him to open his mouth, snaking into his when he granted entry. Her fingers running into his hair. Pulling him yet closer again.

He could feel the shape of her body leaning against his. He put his hands on her hips and pulled her into him harder.

She pulled away, "Severus, I will owl you with a new meeting place."

"Please Lily, meet me in the Great Hall at breakfast."

"No, I can't. Not yet. It's too soon. I promise, I will let you know."

He nodded content in the knowledge that it had finally happened. Someone had done it finally. In seventeen years, someone finally showed him affection.

He was walking on air going back to his dorm. 'Wow.' It's all that would come to mind.

He flopped onto the bed, falling asleep as the owl quietly dropped the sealed envelope on the floor and left.

Awaking the next morning he found the note gracing the carpet. Picking it up he broke the seal.

Severus,

Breakfast sounds great. But how about lunch instead? A picnic in the grounds? You bring the blanket,

I will bring the food.

Lily.

He smiled to himself as he jumped in the shower. 'A date, someone not only kissed me, but she wants me to meet her again.'

As he wondered through the day in a daydream-ing world a thought kept niggling at him in the back of his mind,

'She will do it again. She will stand you up. You will go no where.'

He shook his head as soon as the thought entered it. 'No. Please no.'

He arrived in Potions, the class just before lunch, and sat, charming his wand to take notes. He could hear some sniggering behind him.

Turning just in time to see an ink well float over his head and fall all over the notes. Black and Lupin sniggered while nudging Potter. 'Potter, it seems, is depressed.' Severus smirked, knowing what his lunch time plans were.

Lily joined in the laughter. Severus jerked at the sound of her gentle giggle. His face fell. 'She's joined them again.'

After class he still headed to the meeting place with the blanket as planned. She showed up with a basket, albeit a few minutes late.

"What do you think you were doing?" he snarled, throwing the blanket at her.

"Severus, I'm sorry-"

"No Lily, I'm sorry. I can't stick with this, I am NOT a toy!" he growled deeply. "If none of ye noticed, I have feelings too. I get hurt!"

"Severus, I know. I do too. Severus. I can't stick with James, or any of them any more."

"I don't care. You're on your own. Lily, I can't take this shit anymore. I don't think I can withstand any more pain than I have."

"Sev-"

"Save it Lily, I just can't deal with anymore. No more pain. No more heart-brake. No more taunting. Just no more."

Tears slipped down her pale skin as Severus turned his back on her. Walking toward his dorm. No more.

_Everything I've done, _

_I've done for you._

Author's Note: Again, I own no characters, nor do I own anyone, not even me. Damn devil. Sold my soul. All I wanted was some orange sherrrrberrrrt. ;-)


	4. The Voice Within

Author's Note:

He sat staring out of the window of the Head's Dormitory. 'She can't do this. She can't get away with this.'

"And what will you do? You stupid boy?" a ghostly apparition of his father confronted him. "Nothing. Absolutely Fucking nothing." he smirked.

"Same as always you sniveling brat. You could never do as I asked. You could've been great, you could've made a difference. I told you be a Death Eater."

Severus stood up. "No! I will not fucking throw my life away for a cause that is doomed. I will not be eternally scarred with that mark" he spat.

"Do as I tell you boy!" his father was striding toward him, getting closer by the second.

"LEAVE." Severus demanded as firm as possible. His father smirked as he raised his hand.

Severus stood firm. "I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOU." he yelled. His father was lowering his hand to strike the teen, "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!"

When the ghostly hand met his cheek it disappeared. 'He's not real. Why can I never do that in person?' Slumping back into the chair he realized his cowardice.

He has decided. ' I will exact my revenge. A dish best served cold,' he mused, rising from his chair and removing a bottle from the sideboard, 'but I will settle for it being served at all.'

With that he took a long gulp from the bottle. He didn't want to be sober for this. His lips curled into a smile as the plan formulated in his mind.

_I move the stars for no one._

_You've run so long._

_You've run so far._

_Your eyes can be so cruel,_

_Just as I can be so cruel,_


End file.
